it is me

We cannot change the behaviours of others. The only behaviours we can change are our own. Selectively changing what we do will precipitate changes in what they do. Therefore, the starting point for changing our interactions is an examination of what contribution we, ourselves, make to their responses; and an examination of what we might change in what we do in order to get the responses we are looking for.

It is understandable that we see the difficulties that we have with others as being founded in their pathology. We can so easily forget that we speak and act our own lines in the performance.

There is a story told about a former President of the US, Richard Nixon.

His Secretary of State, Dr Henry Kissinger, was briefing him in the Oval Office. Whilst the presentation was taking place, the President’s dog was chewing at the carpet.

President Nixon kept telling the dog to stop doing so – but the dog was paying no attention. Eventually, in desperation, President Nixon reached into a drawer in his desk – where he kept a stack of biscuits for such occasions – and threw one on the floor to distract his pet.

Immediately, the dog left the carpet alone; and devoted his full concentration to the biscuit.

Henry Kissinger sighed. “Congratulations, Mr President. You have just taught your dog once more to chew carpet”! President Nixon had seen his dog as having a problem independent of his own actions. In his eyes, the dog simply chewed carpet; and he wanted to do something to stop him doing so. Henry Kissinger asked himself what contribution Richard Nixon made to that particular behaviour? His conclusion was that the president was responsible for all of it – by rewarding the dog with a biscuit when the unwanted behaviour emerged. The dog’s inner world suggested that all he needed to do was to keep chewing carpet long enough – and a biscuit would somehow magically arrive. One of the first areas we examine is the contribution our client makes to the other side’s performances.